waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
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“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.