waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
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I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..
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I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow