waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
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Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Netflix and scream at our children?!
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey