Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist

Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.

The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.

If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.

Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.

I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.

As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??

Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’

Cop: [knocks]

Dinosaur: can I help you?

Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire

[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]

I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool

Nothing at all like us…

In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that

Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.

I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services

Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.

Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*

My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.

Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”

Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”

Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up

I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.

Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝