Ovenable?
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“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.