@sonictyrant

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

You Might Also Like

@NicestHippo

Symptoms of mental illness:
-Hearing voices
-Hallucinating
-Complaining about how other people use their social media accounts

@squirrel74wkgn

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

@ddsmidt

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

@mrjohndarby

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

@Parkerlawyer

Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!

However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.

@joejwest

[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND

@AristotlesNZ

My stalker sucks. She needs to try harder. I always have to keep going & finding her. It’s like I’m following HER around. It’s ridiculous.

@mofrorock

“Of course you’re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder” – alcohol

@PetrickSara

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

@mlinhart

LIFE HACK:
If ur phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, rice will attract Asians who will fix ur electronics for you