Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!

Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO

Me: are they human?

Him: no they’re-

Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”

ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”

DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”

My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.

ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold

Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing

The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…

Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.

ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.

Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep

Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano

king: how would that help

advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what