Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
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My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?