Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
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Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it
#OneLiner
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:beast:
beauty:
beast:
beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night