Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
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[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.