Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.

My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind

Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you

Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.

Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.

9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”

9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”

When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.

Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce

[In a cucumber submarine]

1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain

Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle

Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?

Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.

Dog: You’re back!

Me: Yes

Dog: I missed you so much!

Me: Aww, that’s sweet

Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness

Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute

Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!

I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.

So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.

honey, i think the milk’s gone bad

“i only bought it yesterday”

yeah well, look at this..

*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*

Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”

serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls

It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.

Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.