Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.

*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

(first date)

Her: I love Star Trek

Me: Me too!

Her: What’s your favourite part?

Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.

This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller

just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.

The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”

We are all that mom.

ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that

Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”

Sink: “Good one.”

My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.

Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.

If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.

teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?

I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!

Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.

Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.

Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.

Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.

Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!

You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.

“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”