Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah

Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold

Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.

My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day

Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”

Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.

Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.

Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.

It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.

I don’t even know where that is.

My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.

A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.

Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”

Bank: your credit card payment is late

Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate

Bank: what

Me: nothing what do I owe

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

5: mom i learned the months of the year!

me: oh yeah? what are they?

5: january…february…tuesday?

me: *tears up application to harvard

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button

[after an argument]

me: *scribbling on a paper*

him: what’s that? what are you writing?

me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch

me: that’s wonderful

7: except the things I don’t like

me: there it is.

A horror story in seven words

Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!

How to make it rain:

-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”

I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers

Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed

Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?