waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
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When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
i actually laughed 😩
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.