waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
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Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
nothing saves money like being antisocial
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
this site is so cooked lol
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600