Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses

See..?

.

5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.

[first day as a preschool teacher]

ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*

jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet

it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”

Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.

The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.

Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.

every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”

[restaurant]

ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans

INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?

Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.

The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?

Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

Overindulged this afternoon.

I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.

This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago