Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶

Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.

One killed the padawans.

The other was abandoned in the desert

I’m dreading that class reunion.

Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.

I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.

I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.

Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.

“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”

– inventor of the Band-Aid

Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!

My wife said I need to grow up.

I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.

Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.

boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?

I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.

“Sheer Arrogance”

I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”

SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!

PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:

SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.

My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.

Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly

me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred

When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”

Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.

The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

[about to have sex]

her: I can tell this is your first time

me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds

got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.