Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
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Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.