Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
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Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest