Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
You Might Also Like
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Match dot com, but for socks.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car