honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
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My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Gods work.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.