waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
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TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip