waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
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Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
“Wait, let me explain..”
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?