Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
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“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…