Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex

200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?

Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.

Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware

Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud

the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.

i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”

[date]

Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’

Her: “Shall we order dessert?”

Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”

˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı

Friend: Wanna go for a run?

Me: From what?

Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE

Me: *opens door*

Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom

Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.

how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.

Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.

And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”

What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?

Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.