WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense![]()
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Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
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they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs