Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.

Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.

I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.

When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.

Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.

Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.

Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!

Cat: I just want to be friends.

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.

Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?

Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*

Nick Fury: Holy shit!

It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this

i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.

“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again

My work here is done

WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*

i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help

Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.