WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
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Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
How I’d get arrested…
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.