Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
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Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.