Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
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I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls