WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
You Might Also Like
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.