waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
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Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
new shirt idea
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.