WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
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I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
nyc:
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.