Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon

‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.

whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic

After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffer it.

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.

Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?

Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option

Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.

Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.

Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly

Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.

We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.

I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.

girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.

Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.

Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.

Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats

*getting a deli sandwich*

person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?

me: yes

person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price

me: that’s ok I’m good

person: it’s FREE cheese tho

me: I don’t want that much cheese

person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE

how to have fun when you’re poor

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

People who are bad at hiding, I see you

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”