Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same

The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes

Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.

shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.

If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.

Me: I made GORP for our hike

Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows

Me: yeah, in handy single servings

Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.

Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.

Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?

Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.

I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.

In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.

I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.

All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10

When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?