Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
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A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
