Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
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When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
A mustache is just mouth bangs.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Oceanography is all about current events
The USS B port
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads