Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
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They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
wishing you and yours all the best
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache