Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos

employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!

employee: i’m sick

employer: how sick?

I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot

Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed

Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.

I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance

This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.

Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?

Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”

back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive

Siri, when does the restraining order expire?

NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?

Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.

Obvious red flags:

*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind

*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows

*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer