waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
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Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Pringles
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
just make the entire table out of coaster
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.