WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
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The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
Nothing is scarier than teaching your teen to drive. Except teaching them to drive on the highway. And teaching them to drive at night. Or on the highway at night. Also on the highway at night during the week of Christmas.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.