Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
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*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
Just ordered me some pizza!
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die