Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
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“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
You don’t see great advertising like this anymore
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out