Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
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Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
happy valentine’s day to me
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Does it…does it take 3 days
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.