Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

me after i passed that state trooper

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it

Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven

I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.

Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’

judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God

Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*

The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.

*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”

It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.

Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.

[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick

*mutes Coronavirus*

*Twitter disappears*

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”

The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!

Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.

My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”

Headlines With Threatening Auras.