Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”

Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button

Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.

It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

True?

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat

Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.

I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”

“Sir, this is a library.”

*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”

Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.

There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.