Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.

I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”

My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.

The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.

Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?

I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids

Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward

4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!

Me: What’s her name?

4: I don’t remember.

The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.

Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*

BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.

Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school

[making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about

They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.

wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication

Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”

Yup, NOT going in there.

The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?

love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog