Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
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Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]