Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Momđˇ: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
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Me: what Iâm saying is I donât just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: itâs not too late to do the traditional vows
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
âthis gives me an idea for a restaurantâ
Is there a button for âplease show me more ads like thisâ???
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. Iâve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Itâs my sonâs birthday this week; so weâve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Everyone out here workinâ on their cores and Iâm just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I donât have to stretch.
âWhoâre you?â
âIâm sorry, but Whoâre isnât actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-â
â I meant to say whoâre, because youâre a whoâre.â
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DONâT TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens donât try to take over the world.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubikâs cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly youâre banned from bar trivia
My coffee maker isnât working and I canât help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess Iâm dating a grill now.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Itâs cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub
You know youâre from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
A lot of people have been asking me why Iâve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than youâd expect. It doesnât fit my head when I have hair so Iâm getting the most out of it while I can.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Be warned: thereâs a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it canât do is pick up itâs own poop. Youâre just a poop collector.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler whoâs been asked whatâs in their mouth.
Just wrote âexcept for you, spiders >:(â on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
I once worked with a girl named BrittanicaâŚshe was a bit aloof though I didnât really know how to read her
Men are like my peloton â I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in Iâm sweating profusely and questioning everything
