Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.

Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy

Just to piss off my kids

honey, bring out the fine china.

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

4-year-old: Can I have some floss?

Me: You’re too little

4: But I really, really need it

Me: Fine. *gives her floss*

4:*ties up Barbies*

me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code

Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”

Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”

They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.

Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.

Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.

Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.

☠️☠️☠️

Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.

Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?

Always remember…. A mirror never lies.

(Fatty)

Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?

“…just don’t tell your mother.”

hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad