waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
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Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again