waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
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My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?