waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
You Might Also Like
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Taliband
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
me opening up to someone
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.