waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
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[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely