Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..

“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said

Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.

*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead

ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol

SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from

GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*

I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.

I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.

Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?

Farmer: Sure

Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all

Farmer:

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.

I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA

Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?

Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

Me: how are you?

Toddler: shitty.

Me: I hear that.

Toddler: can you change me?

Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.

Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

How do German people not choke to death when they talk