Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.

[gets down on one knee]

her: omg

[gets down on two knees]

her: ok…

[gets down on third knee]

her: wtf

new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.

People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.

Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

Remember to recycle your pizza boxes

It’s for the Greta good

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job

Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:

Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything

you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.

Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

[bum holds his hand out]

“can I have some change?”

change comes from within

“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”

if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

me: i’m sorry

gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?

me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas

gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy

me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?

Me: Never

Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.

Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.