WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
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My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
Voodoo map
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same