Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!

Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.

Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year

My horoscope today just said “NOPE”

Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes

The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”

So I took his Visa

I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.

I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔

Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!

Me: seriously Martha?

Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing

Looking at a set of 4 placemats on sale for $60.00 from a popular cooking supplies store, “oh you got jokes”

Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.

Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”

My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that

If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager

I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”

1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.

Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.