Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts

Me: I prefer the natural look

Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.

Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!

My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

Who knew!

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*

CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!

ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?

I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…

… my lifetime.

Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day

Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too

Son: *From the basement* WHEN

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”

TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran

ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now

Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you

My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest

My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!