Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doc I keep throwing up

Did u eat anything odd lately

No

What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”

You said eat, idiot

Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣

wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.

…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.

You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything

barista: room for cream?

me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator

SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

HIM: Sure.

SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE:

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.

Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!

Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.

Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!

Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…

“what that mouth do?” complain

Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…

…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.

I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.

[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.

MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*

[spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is sentence

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Moderator: your word is sentence

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”