waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
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Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.