person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
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God: 8 arms
G: with suckie things
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
G: …I ate mushrooms
If you look at my exes, I’ve lost all taste WAY before I got Covid
We could completely eliminate car thefts by making every car alarm sound like Hillary Clinton’s laugh.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Obviously you don’t think you’re ignorant! That’s the meaning of ignorance!