@clichedout

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

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@taladorei

with everyone on lockdown, the lime scooters are finally returning to the river. nature is healing, we are the virus.

@TheBoydP

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

@themorris23

My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”

@TheBoydP

Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting

@DeronH

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked me “Where were you between four and six?” I replied, “Kindergarden”

@str8outaCompUSA

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

@markleggett

Companies want “rockstar” employees, as rockstars are known for punctuality, even-tempers, and a desire to work in a corporate environment.

@crylenol

*pops out of casket at funeral*
ok but when I actually die you guys better have nicer things to say