My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
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If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you! Knees to chest damnit! KNEES TO CHEST
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Just once when someone says, “Is anyone there?” in a scary movie, I want the villain to be like. “What up. I’m over here. You got me.”
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*