waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
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Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law