WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
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i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Optimist: The cup is half full.
Pessimist: The cup is half empty.
Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.
Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?
Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…