WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
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There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
San Francisco has too many rules
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.