Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.

The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”

I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.

When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.

[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear

My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today

Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father

Direct deposit: $1400

Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.

seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.

I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem

(1st day in heaven)

Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators

I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still

Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.