WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
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me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.