Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

date: i’m an optimist

me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before

My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.

Me: What’s your favourite book?

Her: Well, I love 1984

Me: Ok, but just choose one.

Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.

Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.

Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.

Bread.
The kid likes bread.

DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.

#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.

Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice

HER: I love Game Of Thrones

ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister

doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

I am putting on so many clothes

*cold weather sext

Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them

The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*

When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.

Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*

Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!

If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.

Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.