Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket

The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about

TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?

Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop

Batman: *eyes welling*

Them: Is your cat friendly?

My Cat: What kind of a fucking question is that?

Me: No

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

“What are you supposed to be?”

ME: I’m not wearing a costume

Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.

My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.

There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not

*first time at a Michelin restaurant*

Me: “One order of tires, please.”

*Takes drive down memory lane

*Gets a DUI

Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy

Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial

“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.

– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.

Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.

Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school