Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days

You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner

You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.

Then I remembered pineapple .

Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

Wife: Go out for breakfast?

Me: Sure!

Wife: Ok, let me shower first.

*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*

Me: Where should we have lunch?

ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.

UBER DRIVER: No.

The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??

Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

…

I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.

*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop

😬

Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.

[interview at J Crew]

interviewer: explain this gap on your resume

me: no

interviewer:

me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex

“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”

ME: do you have any specials

PHARMACIST: what

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is