Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
You Might Also Like
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
PLOT TWIST:
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Icarus loved hot wings.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening