Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.

I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food

If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do

Atheists are Popeless romantics.

Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.

– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook

gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”

What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?

My biggest problem?

Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”

Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”

Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”

-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!

nala:

simba:

nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.

Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said

‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.

Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.

*seductively eats two tums*

Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…

Me: Black bread.

Chef: We don’t have that.

Me: Racist.

“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”

-Low-hanging fruit

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

barista calling out order: Gee Off

Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago

barista: nice try, Gee Off