Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: oh shit I am running so late

My dog: [barfs]

It could be worse.

You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.

How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.

KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction

Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.

Me: Really? Just me?

Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.

Me: I don’t have time for players.

God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.

Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?

Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

every single time

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away

Me asks *my kid to do his home work*

My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?

[first day as pilot]

Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.

Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*

7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?

If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.

People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*